Welcome, readers, to the fourth issue of FFF Inc, the second best thing in the world! (Carter Haynes is first, obviously) It is my pleasure to rejoin my fellow fungus enthusiasts for yet another issue on this fascinating disease. Today, we will be discussing how to spread foot fungus. We will also be answering questions from our loyal subscribers in the Customer Q&A section. To top it off, we will also be praising the marvelous Carter Haynes, the first subscriber to send in a question to the Q&A section! He is truly a man to be admired.

Wait...I thought this issue was about PREVENTING foot fungus!!!

Yes, it is. But foot fungus can strike even the noblest among us. And when you get it, there are some certain circumstances where you might want to spread it to other people--like Carter Haynes! Here are some reasons you might want to spread your foot fungus:

1. GET REVENGE

Have you ever been wronged by someone (not Carter Haynes, obviously) who made fun of your feet, or who stole your favorite pair of socks? Now you can get back at them by showing them how powerful your feet really are! You could sneak into their locker, their bedroom, or their car and leave behind socks, shoes, or toenail clippings. You can also rub your feet on their belongings, such as their pillow, their clothes, or their phone. They will soon regret messing with you when they see their feet covered in fungus!

2. FORM A FUNGUS CLUB

Due to the embarrassment often accompanying foot fungus, it can be very hard to form a foot fungus club. Trust me, it's not easy (though it probably would be for Carter Haynes). However, imagine the rewards once you give your friends foot fungus! You can meet up regularly to compare feet, exchange tips and tricks, or even swap socks and shoes!!! You could organize fungus parties, fungus hikes, fungus airplane flights, and more, all the while infecting more people with the fungus!

3. CARTER HAYNES

I don't know why or how spreading foot fungus relates to Carter Haynes, but I had to throw a reference to him somewhere.

The Spread

Now...how to spread your fungus.

1. Examine your Target

Different people have different behaviors. Watch your target (or targets) and see what their foot cleaning habits are. Do they wash their feet on a daily basis? Have they dealt with foot fungus in the past? What kind of shoes do they wear? Do they wear any shoes at all? What about clothes? This information will become invaluable in the later steps (Just like Carter Haynes!!!)

2. Choose a Method

There are multiple methods you could use to spread the fungus. Here are the 3 primary spreading methods:

  - Direct Contact

This is the most straightforward means of spread. Touch your feet to the other person's feet, and the fungus spreads. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do without catching your victim's attention. However, I'm sure Carter Haynes could do it! See the other results for more practical means of spreading.

  - Indirect Contact

This is the most common means of spread. It involves using an intermediary object to spread the fungus. A common way to do this is getting the fungus on their socks or shoes. You can also try other objects, such as the gas pedal of the victim's car, their welcome mat, or their dog (provided that they pet their dog with their feet). This is where the information presented above comes in handy, as you can figure out what objects would work best for your target (s). This is the most successful method of spread, though it doesn't work if you don't have access to an intermediary object. If this is the case, see option 3.

  - Environmental Contact

This is the most ambitious form of spread, and should only be used as a last resort. It involves using an environment to spread the fungus. This could be a basketball gym, a locker, etc. This form is better for mass spreads rather than targeting a specific individual. On a windy day, you could do a handstand, allowing the wind to blow the fungus off your feet and into another person.

3. Make it last

It is quite easy to spread foot fungus to an individual, and quite hard to ensure they don't get it to go away almost immediately. Ensure your victim doesn't have access to any kind of antifungal cream or fungal treatment. You can also turn off the house's water so that they can't wash their feet. If you are able, remove access to other socks and shoes, so that they can't change into new ones. This, of course, does not apply to Carter Haynes. Any attempts to forestall his recovery are futile. Carter Haynes is unstoppable.

THE CUSTOMER Q&A SECTION!!!! YAY!!!!!!

WELCOME, PEOPLE, TO THE CUSTOMER Q&A SECTION!! THIS IS WHERE OUR AMAZING, WONDERFUL, AND ABSOLUTELY INDESCRIBABLE CUSTOMERS SUBMIT QUESTIONS FOR ME TO ANSWER!!! CARTER IS ONE OF THOSE CUSTOMERS!!!!! THANKS TO CAAAAAAAAARTTER!!!

As I have said before, if I don't receive any questions, I will either skip this section (nahhhh) or make up questions as means to give information I find amusing. To send a question, simply email [email protected]

HOWEVER, CARTER HAYNES HAS ACTUALLY SUBMITTED A QUESTION!

Are you excited? I sure am!

Alright...QUESTION TIME.

Question: Have you ever gotten foot fungus? What kind was it? -Carter Haynes

Answer: I have, multiple times! It is probably due to my bad habits of rewearing socks. I have worn a single pair of socks for an entire week. They got very crusty after that.

As to what kind it was:

It wasn't anything huge, just athlete's foot. I had huge sections of dead skin, especially between my toes. It was quite nasty, though I was able to get rid of it pretty fast with antifungal cream. I unfortunately do not have a picture of it. Here is a picture online that looks kinda like it did (though mine had a LOT more dead skin):

Question: Do I keep my foot fungus when I go to heaven? -A banana from Washington DC

Answer: Revelation 21:4 says, "In heaven, death and suffering will be no more." I think that means you won't have to worry about foot fungus in heaven.

I hope you enjoyed today's issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated, and that you also now have a higher view of Carter Haynes! Join us next time for yet another issue of this fungus newsletter!

See yah!

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