Welcome back, amazing readers!!! If my calculations are correct, in 2 days, you will experience the unspeakable wonders of Christmas, provided you’ll wake up at 8:00 am!! In exactly 41 hours, Santa Claus will be making his way down your chimney to graciously supply you with gifts free of charge¹ ! According to newsweek.com, 34% of Americans this year have chosen to forgo the giving of presents due to financial concerns! I hope none of you are unfortunate enough to be one of those families.

Anyway, we are not here to talk about Christmas. Well, in a sense we are, since this is the Christmas edition of my newsletter. But that is not the focus of this newsletter. The focus, as always, is on foot fungus, and like all special issues, I will tie foot fungus into whatever I talk about. Today is no exception.

Be prepared, as I discuss gifts for the holiday for exactly 13% of the American population in today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated² ! And, of course, I will be answering questions from our customers in the Customer Q&A section! I will never forget that.

LONG LIVE THE FEET!

[[ Theme song of the day: Jingle Bells, but Josiah did some editing ]]

¹ This is, of course, assuming that Santa Claus comes down peoples’ chimneys at exactly 1:00 am

² Approximately 20% of Americans have foot fungus, which would be (.2). 66% of Americans are giving presents this year according to the study above, which would be (.66). (.2 * .66) is (.13), which is 13%!

Some Interesting Facts about Presents

According to finder.com, 53% of Americans admit to getting at least one unwanted gift over the holidays. This amounts to about $9 billion dollars wasted on completely undesired gifts, not even considering the amount of time and thought put into looking for this gift. In addition, 1 in 10 people end up returning their gifts to the store (capitalcounselor.com). Interestingly enough, the highest category of unwanted gifts is flowers and plants, 40% of recipients not appreciating their gifts (statista.com). Needless to say, gifts ought to be chosen wisely.

Christmas Presents for Fungal People

It’s Christmas time, and you can’t wait to give your friend the best Christmas ever!!! However, you don’t know anything about him. Well, aside from the fact that he has foot fungus. Whatever will you do?!?

Here are a few suggestions that might hit the spot:

Practical Gifts

These are gifts designed to abate or eliminate the symptoms of foot fungus. For best results, wrap these gifts in wrapping paper covered in pictures of toes. Ensure that your giftee does not own the product before you spend the money, otherwise you might contribute to the $9 billion dollars of money annually spent on unwanted gifts.

Kerasal Nail Renewal

According to amazon.com, this product “helps reduce discoloration and thickness, as well as hydrate and exfoliate brittle nails to improve the appearance of damaged nails”. It is often bought with Kerasal Nighttime Renewal Fungal Nail Patches and Kerasal Multi-Purpose Nail Repair. Essentially what this is is makeup for your toes. This would come in handy for people with nail fungus, as it can look quite nasty at times. Here are some reviews from amazon.com:

Dickies Men’s Dri-tech Moisture Control No Show Socks (6 & 12 Pairs)

Foot fungus loves 3 things: darkness, dampness, and warmth. Unfortunately, sweaty socks provide all three key attributes to a perfect foot fungus environment. What would be a better gift than socks made specifically for moisture control and sweat prevention?!? This product comes in 9 different colors: black, charcoal, grey, heathered colored, white (that should have been up top), brown, denim (I’ve never heard of that color), black (but this one’s 12 pair), and white (12 pair edition), so you have a lot of options.

I am really annoyed by how the black highlighter tool came out.

Fungal Entertainment

Fungal people get bored, too! As nice as practical gifts are, people need entertaining things to make their practical life worth living. Here are two potential gifts to amuse your fungus-infected friend.

The Best Ever Book of Podiatrist Jokes: Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who

If your friend has foot fungus, they probably have a podiatrist. If so, they will love a 106-page book all about podiatrist jokes! They might even be able to share some of the jokes with their own podiatrist, further bonding their relationship with them! What is more, you get 15 kindle rewards points for buying the book! I am currently at 68 points, which appears to be 232 points away from my next reward of $3.

LICHENHAO Mushroom Pillow Floor Pillow Sofa Cushion Home Decoration Reading Pillow (32cm, Khaki)

This is a very complicated name for what is essentially an oversized plush mushroom. It can be put on your bed, on your couch, on the floor, in the passenger seat of your car, on the kitchen table, on the roof of the house, and more! The possibilities are endless! You could even send it into space¹ ! According to the product description, it is also “comfortable”, “suitable for all ages”, “luxury quality”, and “machine washable”. Here is a fuzzy picture of the product being put on a couch:

Here is another one:

Here is yet another one:

¹ Now that I think about it, this logic could be applied to all the other products in this list as well

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back to the Customer Q&A section! I can’t wait to see what you guys have in store for me to answer today! For those of you who are new, this is a section where customers send in questions relating to feet, fungus, foot fungus, or the FFF newsletter, and I attempt to do my best to answer them! If it so happens that I do not get any questions, I will simply make up questions as I see fit! To submit a question to Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated, simply email [email protected], and you will be heard. Let’s get started with a question from Olivia Morgan!

Question: What is the strangest cure for foot fungus? -Olivia Morgan

Answer: Throughout history, doofi (plural of doofus) have come up with a bunch of crazy medical cures, from maggots to eat away bacteria to electric shocks to cure toothaches to snake oil for, well, everything. Foot fungus is no exception. While I didn’t find anything quite as extreme as the examples listed above, I did find a few rather strange and surprising foot fungus cures online.

One of the ways that surprised me most was applying garlic to your toenails. Here is a picture of garlic:

This cure is specifically for toenail fungus, so it would not work for the rest of the foot (it burns the skin otherwise). Supposedly, if you do it for 20-30 minutes daily for a week, it can cure the fungus. I personally think that there would be much better ways to spend your time curing foot fungus, but if you happen to have garlic lying around…might as well use it. Just don’t do it when you’re hungry.

One not quite as strange but still odd cure for foot fungus is oral medications, such as diflucan. This is typically taken daily until cured, which takes anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. It is, however, only used in cases where other means do not work, as oral medications can have side effects, antifungals in particular. Some of the potential symptoms are vomiting, diarrhea, loss of taste, and joint pain. There are also over the counter medications you can take, such as terbinafine and clotrimazole.

Here is a picture of Diflucan:

I hope that answered your question! Now, let’s move on to a question from the one and only Santa Claus!

Question: Does Santa Claus have foot fungus? -a very concerned Santa Claus

Answer: I unfortunately don’t have any direct sources on if Santa Claus has foot fungus or not, but I can certainly speculate!

To get started, here is a picture of Santa Claus:

Here is a picture of Santa Claus’ boots (this will come in handy later):

Here is a scientific diagram of Santa:

As for the speculations: I think there is definitely a chance Santa Claus has had foot fungus. However, I like to believe that the elves make their own stash of antifungal cream just for Santa. I have only a few concerns:

1. Waterproof Boots

Santa Claus’ waterproof boots for trekking through snow would be a good habitat for foot fungus, as they contain little ventilation. This causes the buildup of sweat, which creates a moist, hot environment, perfect for fungal infections. According to mayoclinic.org, foot fungus “commonly occurs in people whose feet have become very sweaty while confined within tight-fitting shoes”. So, yeah…not looking good for the Claus already.

To his credit, normal boots would be even worse. They would allow moisture to get in and grow any potential fungus. What is more, Santa Claus’ toes would get numb, which isn’t very fun. Essentially, the only way for Santa to change his situation is to move to another location—which ties perfectly into my second concern!

2. Snowy Climate

Santa Claus’ homeland, the North Pole, is quite the concern. For one, the place is very, very cold and wintery 24/7. This is not good for feet, as it can cause the skin to dry out. This seems like a good thing—isn’t moisture a home for fungus? It is, but dryness is also a concern, as it can cause weakening and cracking of the skin. This weakens the skin’s defense, allowing for fungus to enter and make its home. The climate is also filled with snow, meaning it would take very little for snow and ice to moisten Santa Claus’ feet or socks. As you well know by now, moisture is very appealing to fungus, and moisture on Santa’s feet are no different.

It’s not looking good for you, Santa.

3. Communal Showers

This is more of a hypothesis rather than a fact, but considering how many people and elves live in the North Pole, it would be hard to give Santa full accommodations, such as a private shower. For this reason, it is quite likely that Santa and the elves would share a communal shower. This is actually a huge concern for foot fungus; many people have already stood in the shower barefoot. For this reason, it is recommended that you wear flip flops or some sort of open shoe when you use a communal shower so that you don’t get foot fungus from a previous user. But could you really imagine Santa wearing flip flops? I can’t. Sorry, Claus. It’s looking ill for you.

4. Reindeer

This section deserves a picture of a reindeer!

Due to the ground covered in straw and manure Santa would have to walk through to feed his reindeer, it is quite probable that he would have foot fungus, as such materials are quite contagious hosts of the disease. This would be especially dangerous since the reindeer need fed on a daily basis. However, this could easily be fixed by sending an elf to do the dirty work for him. I would recommend Santa quarantine this elf to prevent any further spread.

Some Final Words

Thanks for reading today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! You have done a very kind thing in reading my article; I am sure Santa will put you on the good list for it. I hope you now have some last-minute Christmas ideas for your friends, as well as interesting facts to share at white elephant exchanges!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

—Josiah Hamster