Welcome back, fellow readers! I am pleased to announce the release of yet another foot fungus article! You heard that right! Somehow, I managed to think of yet another topic I could write a foot fungus article on. I have managed to continue my avalanche of countless issues with yet another stone! I have put even more words onto footfungusfacts.beehiiv.com! I have added another peanut to the peanut stash! It is with pride that I release to you, my audience, today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated: YOUR FEET HAUNT MY DREAMS.

In this issue, we will be discussing different dreams you might have about feet and foot fungus, the good as well as the bad, the beautiful as well as the ugly. We will then discuss the meaning of each one and how it may impact your life. Last of all, we will be, yet again, answering questions from our loyal subscribers in the Customer Q&A section!

Without further hesitation, let’s jump into today’s article of FOOT FUNGUS FACTS INCORPORATED!!!

[[ I tried to get an AI music generator tool to write a theme song for the newsletter. I was quite unimpressed—though it could be worse... AI music generation still has quite the way to go. click here to listen ]]

A Few Facts About Dreams

As humans, we dream about a lot of things. Unfortunately, 95% of those dreams are forgotten after we wake up¹ . The length of dreams lasts on average 5-20 minutes. This means that if you slept for 8 hours a day, you would have on average 38.4 dreams per night² . One of the most common dreams is falling, which affects 54% of Americans according to thesleepdiary.com. Interestingly enough, I have never had this dream. If everyone in the whole world dreamt about the same exact thing at the same time, then the world would come to an abrupt and explosive end³ .

¹ This really stinks, as it dramatically messes up my graph on how many dreams per month I have that are related to celery

² (8 hours * 60 = 480 minutes per night; average of 5 and 20 minutes: (20 + 5)/2 = 12.5; 480 minutes per night ÷ 12.5 minutes per dream = 38.4) -This algorithm assumes you dream every minute of sleep you get

³ I’m still working on finding a source for that

Foot Fungus Dreams: The Good Ones

To start, I would like to discuss the good, happy dreams about foot fungus. Fungus dreams can get pretty disgusting, and I would like to put you all in a good mood before discussing them.

To start off, we will be covering the dream, The Fungus Painter.

The Fungus Painter

You get out of bed one day and put on your nice, bright orange shirt that was lying on the ground. It is very noticeable, and makes your friends notice you easier, which, under normal circumstances, would be quite nice. Unfortunately, your friends haven’t wanted to be around you as of late. They have weak noses. Your friend had recently agreed to pay you 5 bucks if you wore the shirt for a week straight, so it’s getting rather stinky by now. The shirt has begun to function more like a bright orange caution sign than a shirt. It is while you are putting your shirt on that you realize that your feet are the same exact color.

No, the feet are not. But the fungus sprouting from your toes sure is!

You may be wondering at this point why this dream got put in the good dreams section. Keep reading.

That is when you get a brilliant idea. What if you use the fungus to paint! Pulling a canvas out of your closet,

This is getting really weird actually…

You begin to smear your toes across the canvas, creating a huge orange streak across the canvas! Two more streaks creates a smiley face!

Pretty soon, you start creating brilliant artwork with your toes! With your feet, you design the Funga Lisa! Starry Fungus! The Last Supper! (but all the food is covered in foot fungus) You start getting really excited…until you wake up and its just a dream.

A shallow interpretation: this dream means that you need something to do. No one would start painting with their toes unless they were Really bored. Look back at what you have been doing in your free time. Likely you’ve been using it very poorly. Here is a WikiHow article on things to do when you’re bored.

A deeper interpretation: your orange shirt represents a desire to be noticed. It’s starting to get stinky, meaning that there may be a downfall to pursuing attention. Perhaps you have begun pursuing attention in negative ways, or perhaps it leaves you exhausted and drained. Your friends’ avoidance of you and bribing you to wear your shirt suggests that they are requiring a lot of you—to get along with them, you have to push yourself hard, and you are beginning to falter. The foot fungus represents a weakness in you—one closely related to your need for attention. You try and make it seem disconnected—it’s on your foot, not anywhere near your shirt!—but if you look closely, it’s the same exact color and the same exact problem. Your paintings of smiley faces represent your futile efforts to become happy and get more attention, and waking up shows that you are just a human and can’t sleep forever.¹

¹ I’ve been told that highlighters make things look more professional and scholarly, so I attempted to use as many highlighters as possible to make the deep interpretation as deep as possible

Disappearance of the Fungus

The last one was a little weird, so I’m going to try and tone this one down a bit.

You wake up and pull out your antifungal cream to apply it on your feet, when you notice that the nasty fungus that previously crowded your toes is gone! What is more, they don’t even itch! You put your nose up to your foot, and find it doesn’t stink anymore!

You are freeeeee!!!

…and that’s when you wake up and realize that it was all a dream! Those dreams are so annoying.

This dream represents a strong desire—a desperation, perhaps—to get rid of the foot fungus. Perhaps you have tried all the methods and products they could think of. Perhaps you are at the end of your ideas on how to solve your foot fungus. If this is you, know that you have a savior, Jesus Christ, who is more powerful than any adversity on Earth, foot fungus included.

Foot Fungus Dreams: The Bad Ones

Enough with the cheery, lighthearted good dreams! It’s time for the fun stuff! Let’s get started with the first dream: Spread O’er the Leg.

Spread O’er the Leg

You wake up and look at your foot. Hanging off your feet are HUGE patches of dead skin. Oh no. You go into the dirty laundry to check your last pair of socks for any contaminates…and find them COVERED in a sticky white/green cobwebby substance! Worried, you glance down at your feet, and see a greenish-white fuzz has started to coat your OWN feet! You rush to the bathroom to wash it off. Your foot begins to itch severely. You look down and see the fuzz has made its way up your ankle, starting to coat your leg like the fur of the monkey in the picture above!

If you’re lucky, you wake up now.

This dream shows a fear of your foot fungus getting worse. Your doctor might have recently told you some bad news about your foot fungus, and you are worried about your foot fungus spreading to more than just your foot. Your worries are justified—severe foot fungus can spread up the leg and into the crotch, causing jock itch and skin issues. In certain cases, foot fungus can be fatal! You are very welcome.

Pit o’ FUNGUS

You are walking outside with your dog! You take a step forward…and find yourself plunging into a deep pit! But it is not just any pit. It is the

PIT OF FUNGUS!!!

This dream is the equivalent to a falling dream, just tailored specifically for people with foot fungus. According to healthline.com, falling dreams can mean you are feeling insecure, inferior, anxious, overwhelmed, or out of control. It could also mean you were too close to the edge of your bed. However, I disagree with all of these options. I think that falling dreams represent a strong desire to visit the Grand Canyon.

Reflections

Upon looking back on my responses, I have made a few reflections on myself as a human being. Here are my reflections:

1. I’m not a Pikachu. Otherwise, my paragraphs be in Pika language, aka pika pika pika pika pika pika… (Repeat 1,308 times, 1 for each word in this issue) Here is a link to an (still in progress) translation of this issue into Pikachu language

2. I don’t have a strong desire to visit the Grand Canyon. Otherwise, I would have the Pit o’ FUNGUS dream¹ .

3. I have to pee. I noticed that progressively more and more throughout the writing of this section. One sec and I’ll be back

¹ This is a logical fallacy called Modens tollens, or denying the consequent. It goes like this: if P, then Q. Not Q, therefore not P

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back, my fellow readers, to the CUSTOMER Q&A SECTION!!! Here we will be, as always, answering questions from our customers about foot fungus, foot fungus newsletters, and more! Like usual, if I don’t get any questions, I’ll find some questions of my own to make up. Let’s get started with a question from Jackson Wiese!

Question: What is the rarest type of foot fungus you have ever encountered? -Jackson Wiese, aka THE JACK

Answer: I personally have encountered very little foot fungus. The only foot fungus I have seen in person is tinea pedis, which is fancy doctor terminology for athlete’s foot. So, in answer to your question, the rarest foot fungus I have ever encountered is athlete’s foot!

Here is a picture of athlete’s foot:

As for online, the rarest foot fungus I’ve found is probably yellow nail syndrome (or primary lymphedema, if you want to use fancy doctor terms). It looks like what it sounds—your nails turn yellow. This can infect the toenails or the fingernails (or both at the same time, if you are so unfortunate). The symptoms don’t just affect the nail however—it can affect other parts of the body as well, such as causing your legs to swell up. And, of course, it can cause your nails to break off from your skin and fall off. Please don’t get yellow nail syndrome.

Here is a picture of yellow nail syndrome I drew with Microsoft Paint:

Question: What would happen if all the fungus in the world turned into cotton candy? -Anonymous

This is both the fungus haters’ and the cotton candy lover’s dream! Fungus haters wouldn’t ever see fungus again, and the cotton candy lovers would live in an absolute paradise! Imagine going on a mushroom hunt, but instead of finding mushrooms, you find little cotton candies coming up from the ground! Unfortunately, for both the fungus haters and the cotton candy lovers, this dream might not be quite as exciting as one might think. As always, I have multiple reasons.

For one, the cotton candy would become unappetizing very fast. Cotten candy is literally just a bunch of sugar spun into thin cloud-like floofs on a stick (or in a plastic container, depending on where you get your cotton candy). Due to its very high concentration of sugar, it melts very easily. While it could theoretically last forever—sugar doesn’t expire—it doesn’t work that way in real life. Long exposure to air causes it to go hard due to a process called recrystallization. To prevent this, cotton candy must be kept in an airtight container to prevent humidity or moisture from getting to it. Unopened, cotton candy typically lasts 3-5 weeks; once opened, it must either be consumed within the next few hours or be properly stored in a sealed container or Ziplock bag. Since fungus is typically not found in an airtight container, you would have a hard time getting to the cotton candy before it goes bad. In addition, fungus likes moisture, meaning much of the cotton candy would appear in wet places, dissolving the candy. So, sorry, cotton kids. You won’t get as much cotton candy as you hoped—least, not good cotton candy. But the fungus haters would still be happy, right?

Honestly, I don’t think anyone would be happy. Despite being quite annoying when on your feet, fungi actually benefit the environment in many different ways. For one, fungus decomposes debris and waste, turning it into nutrients for plants. Certain fungi, called mycorrhizae, also help plants and trees grow by growing on their roots. In return for a share of the plant’s resources, the fungus helps the plants gain nutrients and water from the soil. This fungus is a crucial aspect in a tree’s growth. Fungus has even be used for medications, such as penicillin. If all the fungus in the world were turned into cotton candy, we would lose all those benefits.

Actually, that’s a quite light term for what would happen. The first thing that would happen is nutrients would stop being cycled through the ecosystem. Without fungus, there would be nothing to take elements and decompose them into usable nutrients for plants. Without these nutrients, most plants would die and be unable to continue to grow, if they weren’t suffocated in dead plant matter first. Our trash, which grows by 1,800 pounds per year per person, would not be able to decompose and would continue to build up. With the loss of plants, animals relying on plants to live would die off. The entire ecosystem would become unbalanced.

In short, the world would go:

You should have asked what would happen if all foot fungus turned into cotton candy. Maybe that would’ve ended better.

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! It takes quite the person to read an entire article on foot fungus, and you are quite the person! I hope you enjoyed reading about strange dreams about foot fungus, as well as the questions inputed by our wonderful customers. I also hope you were able to appreciate my artistic prowess in Microsoft Paint!

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster