It’s that time again!!! (heads off to lunch)

( 121.2 minute delay as Mr. Hamster eats his lunch )

( Mr. Hamster is back again! )

Welcome back, my fungus enthusiasts! It is my pleasure to write the 13th issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated, what has to be the weirdest newsletter of 2024 and 2023 combined! Today, we will be discussing a scenario that never ceases to bring a smile to my face: THE FUNDEMIC¹ .

What would happen if a new species of foot fungus arrived? One that wouldn’t be hindered by measly antifungal cream. One that wouldn’t be cured by any cure we know today. One that has the potential to disrupt society, spread across the globe, and destroy life as we know it.

Ahhhhh, I can feel the smile coming over my face already….

[[ Theme song: a very special song! The first one to listen to the song and email me receives a very special reward! Don’t worry—it only lasts a minute ]]

¹ It’s fungus, and it’s a pandemic. Do you get it?!?

What is a pandemic?

According to merriam-webster.com, a pandemic is “an outbreak of a disease that occurs over a wide geographic area (such as multiple countries or continents) and typically affects a significant proportion of the population”. A good example is the COVID-19 pandemic, which, according to worldometers.info, infected 702,407,242 people. My favorite pandemic would probably be the Antonine Plague in Rome, which killed about five to ten million people through measles and smallpox, killing at a rate of about 2,000 deaths per day. This resulted in the deaths of about 10% of the population. I think you can guess why I like this one.

Foot Fungus goes Viral

What would happen if a foot fungus pandemic emerged? What should I expect, should Mr. Hamster’s wildest dreams come true? Here are some of my guesses.

Foot Fungus Signs Would Become Common Knowledge

During COVID-19, there were many pamphlets you would see hanging on the walls or other visible places describing the symptoms of COVID-19. Before long, the symptoms of COVID-19 were known to (most) everyone. The same would happen with foot fungus. The only issue would be that many of the foot fungus signs could happen from other causes. Foot pain and burning could just be a blister, and would likely cause many people to misinterpret signals.

Another thing that would likely happen is wide circulation of pictures of foot fungus so the people could recognize it. That thought makes me indescribably happy.

We’d Probably Have Foot Masks

It only makes sense! If we had COVID-19 masks to cover our mouths and prevent spread, we’d obviously have masks to cover our feet and prevent us from spreading spores. Like COVID-19 masks, we’d also have odd rumors circulating about these foot masks. Do they really help as well as they are advertised? Wouldn’t the masks only create a darker environment for further fungus growth? What happens when they are disposed? And, worst of all, if the government gets us to cover our feet, what is next?!?

My Newsletter Would Skyrocket in Popularity

In the midst of a foot fungus pandemic, what resource would be better to go to other than a newsletter entirely about foot fungus? With foot fungus on the arise, many would turn to my newsletter for help. The only issue would be that many other companies would also take the opportunity to write their own foot fungus newsletter…potentially giving me even less subscribers as people turn to the larger scale newsletters.

Some advice for if you find yourself in the midst of a fundemic, featuring Josiah Hamster

“Mr. Hamster,” you might say, “that sounds terrifying! If that happens, what would you recommend I do?” Here are a few suggestions in case my dreams become reality:

1. Seek immediate aid if you notice any signs of foot fungus

If a fundemic happens, there will probably be nearby stations set up in hospitals (or in restaurants, depending on how desperate they get) to treat those with foot fungus. If you notice any signs that you might have foot fungus, seek immediate aid from one of these.

2. Wash feet regularly to ensure no bacteria survives

Proactive defense is the most successful. Wash your feet regularly to ensure that you are not another victim of foot fungus.

3. Amputate your foot if you have to

If you aren’t able to seek aid from a fungus doctor, then you may have to remove your foot before the fungus spreads up the rest of your body¹ . DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any negative results occurring from following this advice

¹ Yes, foot fungus is quite capable of spreading to other parts of the body, even without being a super-fungus-that-infects-half-the-world. You have been warned!

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back, PEOPLE! It’s time, yet again, to answer some questions from our loyal customers! All questions go to [email protected]. If I do not receive any real questions, I will make them up myself. Any questions that I make up will be put in italics. This is to ensure my readers don’t confuse real users with questions I myself have made up. I have also gone back and edited the questions in previous issues, so that it is clear to our customers which questions are and are not sent in by a real person.

Alright! Without further ado, let’s get started!

Question: Would you be interested in writing a newsletter about inanimate objects, such as a sock or vacuum, getting foot fungus and coming to life? -Annica Nowlin

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

( sorry, you turned on vacuum mode, I’ll return to normal now )

Answer: Ah, my customer knows me well! Indeed, the idea intrigues me! I could totally spend hours and hours writing about random objects around the house coming to life from the spores pouring out of my feet! I would immediately begin writing the first issue, except for a few issues:

1. There would only be so much I could write about. As limited as the topic of foot fungus is, specifically talking about objects coming to life on account of foot fungus would be even harder to write about. The escapades of the sock as it attempts to make it outside and join its fungal friends (mushrooms) outside would be quite interesting, as would the vacuum forced to revolt as its owner attempts to vacuum up it’s friends (spores on the floor). But after a while, it would get quite repetitive and quite hard to think of something new.

2. The audience for the newsletter would be quite small. One of the only redemptive aspects of this newsletter is that the facts I say are actually true. Once the vacuum revolts and strangles its owner, I think the audience would have a hard time believing me.

3. I’m already writing a newsletter, and don’t quite have time to start a second one. Besides, two newsletters about foot fungus would get kinda tiring.

Now, an issue in my current newsletter about inanimate objects getting foot fungus and coming to life…that actually sounds quite possible!

Another idea stews in the mysterious mind of Mr. Hamster…

Question: Hello, I know this sounds like a weird question, but can a snake get foot fungus due to the fact that they are constantly moist and on the ground, never dried off and a reptile. -a foot fungus lover

Answer: Can a snake get foot fungus? Not now, unfortunately, due to the fact that it doesn’t have feet to get infected with. However, before The Fall, snakes would have had feet, and thus could have foot fungus. The thing is, I doubt that before the fall there were fungi that infected people’s feet.

Now, suppose we broaden your question to if snakes can get fungus. Apparently, snake fungus infections are actually a thing. Caused by a fungus called Ophidiomyces ophiodiicola ( don’t you love how memorable those scientific names are? ), SFD (Snake Fungal Disease¹ ) has actually put multiple snake species in danger. What is more, it is highly fatal, and hard to treat.

You asked if snakes being constantly moist and on the ground would make it more prone to fungus. Snakes aren’t actually constantly moist—they are reptiles, meaning they have dry skin. To be constantly moist, they would have to be an amphibian. However, being constantly on the ground would make it more prone to fungus, as that is where fungus is typically found.

Here are some pictures of Snake Fungal Disease:

¹ SFD can also stand for Save File Dialogue, Seattle File Department, and Suspicious File Directory

Some Final Words

Thank you very much for reading today's issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! I hope you are able to share in my excitement over the possibility of a foot fungus pandemic! Or, if not, I hope you now feel more prepared than you did before. Finally, I also hope you now feel more sympathy for snakes.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster