Welcome back, fellow readers, to a new issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated, where we discuss random topics related to foot fungus! These include celebrities with foot fungus, helping friends through emotional turmoil caused by foot fungus, and Carter Haynes! Today, we will be discussing how to gain money from your foot fungus. In addition, we will, as always, be answering questions from customers in our Customer Q&A section!

Isn’t foot fungus supposed to be detrimental in every way, shape, and form? How can foot fungus ever help you gain money? How could foot fungus have a single helpful consequence to your life? These are all good questions, questions that will soon be answered in today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! Enjoy!

[[ if Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated had a theme song, it would play here ]]

Foot → Cash???

I’ve asked enough questions. It is time for answers.

Method #1: The Laboratory

Don’t worry, this isn’t as scary as it sounds. Scientists are weird people who buy weird things¹ . It doesn’t take much to convince one to pay a (rather exorbitant) price for something as little as a sample of foot fungus. However, there are some steps that I would recommend you go through first.

1. Get to know your foot fungus

   When you are talking to a scientist about your foot fungus, there is nothing more embarrassing than finding out that despite living with this fungus for years (hopefully not…), you don’t know a thing about it. Before doing any selling, get to know your fungus. Look up pictures of it and do research into the different foot fungi. Make sure you know how valuable your species of fungus is—this will come in handy later. You can start here: Athlete’s foot — Wikipedia

2. Find a fitting laboratory

   Not all laboratories will be foot fungus enthusiasts. Some may even have rules against bringing foot fungus into the building! For that reason, before considering any laboratories, make sure and read their terms of service first.² After you have done this, go to their website and use the ctrl+f shortcut to find any instances of the word “foot fungus”. This will help you determine if you can/should bring in your foot fungus sample or not. Finally, call customer service to further ask about foot fungus. You will most likely be answered by a bot. You do not want the bot. Click call a real person. It will try to pretend it can still do things for you. It can’t. Don’t listen to it.

   Now that you have done these things, it is time to negotiate the price.

3. Negotiate a Price

   This is where you try and pry as much money out of the pockets of the scientists as possible!!!

   No, not really. We are Christians. We should act like Christians.

   This is where knowing about your fungus will really help you out. If you know about your fungus, you have a better chance of winning the science banter (science banter is a fun term for the discussion of the consequences, both physical and ethical, of the fungus specimen being used in experiments. It is often found when talking to scientists). Winning the banter gives you, on average, 69% more money than you would if you failed the science banter, so study hard.

   After getting the science banter out of the way, the scientist will begin examining your feet to see if he wants the fungus sample. Don’t cringe or take your feet away, or you will be marked an “uncompliant seller”. Once he is done, you will receive your price for fungus samples! Expect about 20-30 bucks per sample.

4. Hide the Evidence

   Selling your foot fungus to laboratories is kinda embarrassing. So your friends don’t find out anything, I’d recommend clearing your computer cache. You also might want to wear socks for a while, as they might notice the area you took the sample from. I would also recommend refilling your car’s gas so they don’t notice a big drop in gas and ask where you went.

I hope these instructions are able to help you prosper both financially and emotionally! Remember, scientists are very strange people. You never know what to expect from them.

¹ we buy weird things too. chicken harness + leash (amazon.com link)

² After skimming through the Microsoft Service Agreements, I have changed my mind. Please don’t do this

Method #2: The YouTuber

The second method is streaming a video series on YouTube. There are multiple ways to get money as a YouTuber. You can set up Google AdSense to get revenue from ads appearing shortly before, during, or shortly after your video. You can also enable YouTube Premium revenue, which gives you a fraction of the fee Premium users who watch your videos pay for YouTube Premium. YouTube also allows you to set up a merchandise shop, where you could sell items related to foot fungus, like antifungal cream. You can also set up Super Chat, which allows users to give their comments/chat higher priority. You can even create fake videos that have subscribe buttons leader to random websites that give you money! (not really) See more methods at support.google.com. Here are some steps to kickstart your channel:

1. Choose your approach

   There are multiple approaches you could take to creating your channel. One is showing your journey with foot fungus. This could be a story in the past, or it could be showing your day-to-day adventures. This method allows you to sympathize with your audience, which is fundamental for creating a good channel. This is also a good method for motivating your audience towards self-improvement (in their feet, anyway).

   Another approach is comparing products you have previously used on your feet—a Foot Fungus Buyer’s Guide kind of thing. For instance, you could compare Fungi-Nail Anti-Fungal Ointment with PURELY NORTHWEST Peppermint Foot Soak, highlighting the pros and cons of using an ointment over a peppermint soak. The nice thing about this method is that you can put affiliate links to any products you sell, giving you some revenue from products bought through these links (make sure to let your audience know beforehand that you are using affiliate marketing, as doing otherwise is both unethical and illegal).

   If you’re like me, you could also do a comic relief series. Foot fungus is a serious and quite stressful condition. If you can take it lightheartedly, your audience will do the same. This takes away from the stress of foot fungus and makes the audience feel understood, as well as gets in some good laughs.

2. Get some subscribers

   To monetize your channel on YouTube, you need at least 500 subscribers, 3 public uploads in the last 90 days, and either 3000 public watch hours on long form videos in the last year OR 3 million public Shorts views in the last 90 days…and that’s just the first tier. Regardless of how brilliant your content might be, you’ll need more than just high-quality content. You’ll need a marketing tactic.

   The easiest way to get subscribers is by word of mouth. Invite your family and friends to watch your foot fungus channel to kickstart your income! The only issue with this strategy is that many people with foot fungus don’t have friends and family who struggle with regards to their feet. Such families and friends might not be entertained by an entire YouTube series on foot fungus. Fortunately, there are a lot of people who would watch a series on foot fungus simply because they enjoy it. I am one of those people¹ .

   The second step is to advertise your channel through social media. There are multiple forums and social media pages for foot fungus (a quick search returned an entire forum site dedicated to foot health). You can find a page for foot fungus (or at least nail fungus) almost anywhere. Be careful not to over advertise your product, or you will drive away potential subscribers. Also ensure you are an active member in the community, so that people can trust you.

   You could also use billboards to advertise your YouTube channel. Imagine, glancing out your window and seeing this:

   

   Wouldn’t that catch your attention immediately? It would sure catch mine! The one caveat with this strategy would be that billboards are very expensive. According to fitsmallbusiness.com, “The average billboard cost in the U.S. is $66,773 for a four week campaign”. The net gain of your channel probably wouldn’t be enough to cancel out your billboard. If you really want to do this strategy, it is best to use a digital billboard, which costs about $1,200 to $15,000 per month depending on where you put it/how populated the area is (upshow.tv). While not very practical for a YouTube channel, a billboard would at least be a fun experience.

3. Keep it going

   You’ve created the world’s most awesome YouTube channel about foot fungus ever! Not only have you gotten yourself over 1k subscribers, granting you all the monetization privileges on YouTube, but you have also created a massive store for foot products! Money is coming in by the hundreds! The story is not yet over. To keep your audience hooked, you will have to vary the show from time to time. Here are some suggestions.

   One thing you could do is create special videos for holidays. For instance, for Easter, you could talk about how accidentally stepping on an Easter egg might affect your foot’s health, or for Christmas, you could discuss foot fungus in reindeer. You could also invite guest speakers from time to time. For instance, you could invite your local podiatrist, Dr. ICURFEET, to discuss strange foot fungus specimen. If you want to really alarm your audience, you could release a completely silent video, making it look like you forgot to turn on your microphone! Loyal fans will be quite riveted (I’m not sure how well the last method would cross over from theory to reality).

As you probably have figured out by now, getting revenue off of YouTube is quite the challenge. I wouldn’t recommend going for a career as a YouTube artist. However, you asked how you could get money from your foot fungus, and I think that is a very viable method.

¹ I am also one of those people who listens to videos such as an hour of silence occasionally broken by screaming goat

The Customer Q&A Section!!!

Question: Why is Darth Vader so interested in toes? Also with the jokes in issue #3, who made them up? Are they original? -Samuel Main, after reading FFF Issue #3

Answer: Darth Vader is interested in anything that threatens his wellbeing.

Look at how the foot is looming over him! Look at how the toes are coming up behind him, trying to do a sneak attack!

Darth Vader has an interest in toes because they have an interest in him. They are a threat that needs to be dealt with.

As for the jokes in Issue #3: the first joke I got online and edited the wording to be more what I wanted it to be. The rest were jokes that weren’t about foot fungus that I edited to be about foot fungus. For instance, the mushroom joke was simply a mushroom joke that I edited to be about feet. I tried to find jokes specifically about foot fungus, but it appears those are not as popular as they should be. I couldn’t find anything good. If anyone has any good foot fungus jokes, feel free to share them at [email protected]!

Question: Can you get foot fungus from reading about it repeatedly? If so, what are the symptoms? -Izzy Bates

Answer: It is quite possible to get foot fungus from reading repeatedly about foot fungus! That fungus is called THE SUPERTOE!!!!

Okay, I should clarify: the supertoe isn’t directly caused by repeated exposure to foot fungus articles. However, repeated exposure does increase the likelihood of getting the supertoe. In a study made by FCS (Foot Care Sciences), it was discovered that the more information about feet there is in the brain, the more likely the brain is able to appropriately respond to the fungus and develop laser-shooting mechanisms in response. The study showed that for every 1000 words related to foot fungus that you read, you are 1% more likely to develop a supertoe if you get the supertoe fungus within the next month. Pretty low chances…but it’s possible!

Conclusion

I hope you all enjoyed learning about how to make money off of your foot fungus! Hopefully those of you who have foot fungus are now a tad richer, or at least feel a little better about their feet. Tune in next week, where we will discuss feet…and dreams.

Thank you for reading and have an amazing day!