Welcome, everyone, to Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! I have with me today Matthew Main, my Dad who happens to also function as a doctor with frequent exposure to infected patients. I am going to interview him on his experiences with Foot Fungus, and he is going to give us some answers.

What will he say? What mysterious words will come from his mouth? What phonetics, consonants, euphonies, and sibilants will form by his lips? There’s only one way to find out: perform a Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated interview.

Let’s get started.

[[ Theme song: The Declaration of Independence, but I slowed it way down and distorted it ]]

What is an Interview?

An interview is similar to an interrogation, except for a few differences:

1. You did it voluntarily

2. You have to wear fancy clothes

3. Torture methods are restricted to more humane methods

Aside from these differences, it is essentially the same. Read on for a perfect example.

The Interview

Question: What is your name and profession?

Answer: My name is Matthew Main, MD¹ .

Question: What percentage of your life would you say is impacted by foot fungus?

Answer: I never really thought about this before, but in my profession, I would say that people come to me with foot fungus on a regular basis, probably multiple times per month.

Question: What is the strangest case of foot fungus you have encountered? What about fungus in general?

Answer: One time, I was taking care of a patient in the hospital with undiagnosed fevers. We didn’t know where it was coming from. Eventually, we realized that foot fungus had gotten into his bloodstream… (he refused to say more, so I decided to change the conversation with a slight tangent)

Slight tangent: how many bananas do you think you could eat in a minute?

Answer: If I had water, I could probably eat three. Actually, no, two and a half.

Question: What advice would you give people who want to stay away from foot fungus?

Answer: Wear sandals to the public showers. Wash your feet every night. And don’t re-wear socks.

Question: What about people who don’t want to stay away from foot fungus?

Answer: The world is your oyster. You should have no problem.

¹ It stands for, “Medical Doctorate”

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back to the Customer Q&A!

Question:

Question: What workouts would you recommend for a person who wants to avoid foot fungus?

Answer: First you ask me what music service would be best for people with foot fungus. Now you ask me what workout would be best?!? What kind of question writer ARE you¹ ?!?

As we all know, foot fungus thrives on sweat. That by itself makes workouts inherently susceptible to foot fungus. If you wanted to do a workout with absolutely minimal sweating, and thus minimal risks of foot fungus, you’d want to stick with easy stuff² .

I started looking through online home workouts, and quickly came to a conclusion: exercises for teens or young adults are COMPLETELY out of the question. Nearly all the exercises, even ones for beginners, are likely to create some sort of sweat. So, I moved on to the next category of workouts:

Designed to increase ease in getting out of chairs, improve balance, and reduce number of falls, these workouts proved much more promising for avoiding foot fungus. Here is a picture of an old man performing these workouts:

Eventually, however, I realized there existed an even more ridiculous form of exercises for those preferring easy moves: baby exercises. These vile movements, designed specifically for babies, include dark and evil moves such as bubble gaze (one person blows bubbles and the baby tries to pop them), CATCH THE TOY (shudder), and SITTING ON A STOOL!!!!! (a move so dark, I won’t dare to explain it to you). What is this world coming to…

Interestingly enough, dog workouts are also a thing. petful.com recommends climbing staircases with your dog, doing dog yoga, and dog treadmills, of all the things one could spend their money on.

¹ Says the very person who wrote the question

² I want to note that the following advice is for foot fungus extremist. For the average US citizen, the lack of exercise caused by the following suggestions would be far more detrimental than a little bit of sweat

Question: If you left your house and found a huge foot crashing down on your front yard, what would you do?

Answer: First, let’s grab a picture to envision this circumstance:

Brain frazzled by bizarre imagery, I decided to consult the all-knowing Bing Copilot with the following prompt:

I have here a list of recommended steps, discovery assisted by AI:

1. Safety first

   This makes sense, since large things can be quite scary. If you don’t believe me, read this article about green anacondas. Copilot recommended staying a safe distance away, making sure you aren’t underneath it (which should be pretty easy) or in its potential path (which could be anywhere).

2. Document the Event

   Since gigantic feet aren’t common, Copilot recommended I document the event for research, news reports, or future generations. I sure hope that this foot doesn’t stay there for generations to come!

3. Alert Authorities

   “Contact local emergency services or relevant authorities. Provide them with accurate details about the foot’s appearance, location, and any potential hazards.”(Copilot, emphasis mine)

4. Evacuate

   If the foot shows signs of impending movement, run. Don’t forget to warn neighbors of the foot, so that they can run with you, too.

5. Speculate Wildly

   Copilot recommended that, while I wait the arrival of the authorities, to speculate of the possibilities of the foot. Some speculations it recommended include:

   • an alien prank—literally, an alien playing a prank on Earth

   • a mythical creature, such as a giant, rudely stepping onto your front yard

   • interdimensional mishap, which could explain pretty much anything

6. AVOID TOUCHING IT

   This is probably the most important step copilot recommended. If there is a giant foot in your lawn, do not poke it. Do not prod it. Do not try and move it. Don’t even brush it. Feet can be quite dangerous when provoked, especially large ones.

I hope that answered all your questions!

Works Cited (one source)

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! I hope you were able to appreciate Dad’s insights, as well as the picture of a dog on a treadmill. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster