For centuries upon centuries, humankind has worn devices called shoes. Shoes go on the feet when you go outside, and sometimes when you are inside. Supposedly, these shoes help improve foot longevity.

Recently, I was browsing amazon for a new pair of shoes. The shoes were extremely pricy, averaging about one hundred dollars, and I began to wonder, are shoes really worth the price? Are they even worth half the price? Do shoes really improve foot longevity like they claim, or are they simply just bags that go on your feet? What about Nike shoes, which are currently offering 10% off on all products for students?

In this issue, I will share with you my experiments. I will share with you the evidence our society has lacked for years. I will imbue the confidence in you, my readers, that shoes are, in fact, worth $100 dollars per pair. Particularly Nike shoes.

Let’s get started.

[[ Theme song: Advertisement for Nike Sportswear ]]

A Fungal Challenge

It’s time, yet again, for the results to the Fungal Challenge!!! Here are the results:

Izzy Bates: Saturday, 8:00 am

Olivia Morgan: Saturday, 1:47 pm

The rewards:

Izzy Bates: steam_search_foot_fungus.png + consolation prize

Olivia Morgan: First Place Reward

As you can see, despite coming in first, Izzy Bates did not receive the first place reward. She has already received it, and I wanted to create variety. Instead, I gave her a consolation prize and gave the reward to the second place winner—Olivia Morgan!

Let’s move into the reward.

Olivia Morgan

Shortly after Olivia’s victory, I sent a text to her containing four questions. Here are the results:

Question: Have you ever had foot fungus?

Answer: I don't believe I have! Although, I probably have and don't remember it.

Question: How dangerous would you say your kitchen is? What about your bedroom? The bathroom?

Answer: My kitchen? As in how dangerous in terms of foot fungus? Well...we vacuum weekly but our floors are still very old and decently dirty despite the weekly cleanings. My bedroom is probably about the same level of risk. The bathroom, however, is much more risky. My family and I don't regularly clean the bathroom tiles and there is a lot of collected moisture in the crevices because of how often we take showers¹ .

Question: Your blanket has turned into a huge, oversized, slobbery tongue. You can’t get a new blanket. What do you do?

Answer: I accept my fate and embrace the tongue blanket lifestyle! Though not immediately, of course. I would dread getting in bed at night because of the slobber...I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't super slobbery. Unfortunately, I cannot change the slobber amount, so I must learn to deal with it. At first I might decide to try using other objects to keep me warm at night, such as a stock pile of pillows, or I would gather a ton of sheets and layer them on my bed! I would try to find ways to cope with the situation but if there was no way around it, I would accept it and learn to adjust to it. It can't be THAT bad to have a huge tongue blanket!²

Question: Do you consider yourself superior to oatmeal?

Answer: My first thought is no. Let me explain why: oatmeal gives life to all who consume it. It is warm, delicious, and healthy. It does far more good for people than I probably could. I mean yeah, as a future nurse I will probably play a more major role in saving lives, but food is the solid foundation of life! I can't beat that!

But if I look at that question from how I truly see it and from what I know is the correct view, I do believe I'm superior. God created me specifically the way I am and He purposefully made humans superior to all of other creation. I can do far more for God's kingdom than oatmeal ever could! So, yes I do believe I'm superior to oatmeal.

¹ Cool fact: 42% of people admit to peeing in the shower (source)

² Oh, yes it can…

The Experiment

The experiment contained two subjects: Matt, my Dad, Sammy, my brother, and Cali, the dog. Matt and Sammy walked with Cali to the bottom of the driveway, Matt and Sammy wearing shoes and Cali barefoot. Upon returning, they would answer the following questions:

• On a scale from 1-10, how do your feet feel?

• How much longer do you think your feet are going to last?

Following the questions, I personally did a foot check to see if I noticed any different in the feet following the short walk. Or, at least, I tried to. Let’s look at the results.

Results

Question: On a scale from 1-10, how do your feet feel?

Answer: An eight. They are a tad hot, but soreness is not an issue.

Question: How much longer do you think your feet are going to last?

Answer: However long I last, that’s how long my feet are going to last.

Command: Show me your feet.

Answer: I’d rather not publicize my feet on a newsletter about foot fungus.

Sammy

Question: On a scale from 1-10, how do your feet feel?

Answer: Ten I guess

Question: How much longer do you think your feet are going to last?

Answer: Until I die! (I hope)

Command: Show me your feet.

Answer: But I have my socks on!!! (I felt bad for him and didn’t make him show his feet)

Cali

It was at this point that I realized a significant flaw in my experiment: the language barrier between me and a dog. To solve this issue, I read a WikiHow article about how to talk to your dog. With this language barrier having been solved, I was able to gather answers:

Question: On a scale from 1-10, how do your feet feel?

Answer: Whine whine… (translation: 1!!! COMPLETELY AWFUL!!! TERRIBLE!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?)

Question: How much longer do you think your feet are going to last?

Answer: Bark! Bark! (translation: about two hours)

Command: Show me your feet.

Answer:

Conclusion

This experiment obviously concludes that shoes improve foot longevity! For one, the average satisfaction with shoes was nine points higher than the average satisfaction without shoes. In addition, the predicted foot longevity was about a lifetime longer than the predicted foot longevity without shoes. Finally, Cali’s feet were dramatically different than Matt’s and Sammy’s feet following the brief walk. Obviously, shoes improve foot longevity.

Start your shoe collection at nike.com and get up to 40% off on your purchase by following this link: https://www.nike.com/w/sale-3yaep

The Customer Q&A Section

Unfortunately, I did not get any questions from legitimate human beings today, so I had to populate this area myself. As always, fake questions are put in italics. Let’s get started.

Question: Does nike offer special discounts for fitness teachers? -a fitness teacher

Answer: Indeed, it does! All you have to do is verify your status with SheerID, and you get a single-use promo code for 10% off most items! Here is a picture of a fitness teacher wearing nike:

Question: What about someone in the military? First Responders & Medical Professionals? What if it’s my Birthday? -a military veteran who is also a first responder and a medical professional and who’s Birthday lies on March 9, 2024

Answer: Yes, yes, and yes! First Responders and Medical Professionals, military people, and people whose birthday is today all get 10 % off! In fact, if you are a first responder, a military person, and a birthday person, you can use all three to get 30% off your next purchase! Combine that with their recent up to 40% off sale, and bam! You’re gonna be gold!

Some Final Words

Thanks to Nike for inspiring me to write this article! I would also like to thank Sammy, Matt, and Cali for complying with my weird requests. Finally, I would like to thank you, readers, for sticking with this newsletter. Yes, I know, shoes are kinda a stretch from foot fungus…I’ll try to do better in the next issue.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster