The FBI is watching you.

Oh, it probably isn’t watching you specifically. The US is a vast country, its collection of superfluous digital data even more so. Pages and pages lie upon the sea of the web, and while some are helpful and entertaining, others are a waste of time at best. According to statista, every minute, 250 million emails are sent per minute¹ , 6 million Google Searches are performed, and 1 million Siri queries are answered. The internet is a vast place, making surveillance anything but an easy task.

Nevertheless, there are certain things that no government can ignore. Maybe, it is a post that spreads discontent across the nation, or a anti-government scheme so clever and elaborate, it cannot help but demand attention like a goat doing 360s on a trampoline. In such cases, it doesn’t matter that the internet is full of so many disparate parts. Such posts rise to the surface like marshmallows in hot chocolate, doomed to liquify throughout the drink—if they aren’t devoured first.

Why, you may ask, do such thoughts stir in the mind stew in the mind of an innocent blog writer, author of nothing more than a collection of words regarding foot fungus? The answer is unfortunately simple. I have made a habit of asking questions—questions which, if unanswered, would leave my audience in a strong state of disarray and abandonment.

Thus, I have taken upon myself the burden of the ages: to answer customers’ questions, regardless of the cost.

¹ I blame this on email subscriptions. Seriously, does anyone still communicate to their friends through email anymore?

Disclaimer!

This question comes from my inbox, and does not in any way represent my goals, plans, or ambitions as a Hamster. I do not plan to start a revolt, nor do I plan to create oceans of rubber bands in my drawers (as fun as it sounds). I do not have anything against the government, other than the fact that they haven’t mandated national foot inspections to maintain the pedestal health of the average pedestrian.

After all, I am just an innocent author who happens to nerd about foot fungus. How much more innocent could I get?

Definition of Defiance

A rebellion is when people rise up against a ruler or government, usually for some sort of reason. This reason can be good or bad. For instance, in 1775, America began to rebel against Britain, starting the Revolutionary War and ultimately gaining freedom against their oppressors. This is widely regarded as a good move, and is regularly celebrated across the country.

Conversely, in 1607, a man who called himself Captain Pouch led a group of Englanders into a revolt, claiming that the King had ordered him to destroy nearby enclosures, and that he would protect them with a magical artifact hidden in his pouch—which, as it turned out, proved to be nothing more than a piece of green cheese. Personally, I find this to be a bad move.

How do you start a rebellion? How do you go from a mild, innocent bystander to someone who is to be feared by peasant and authority alike? Most importantly, how do rubber bands play into this marvelous plan?

The first solution is simple: you need a cause.

A Case for Elasticity

People won’t follow you without a reason. You can have all the rubber band caches in the world, but if you don’t know what to do with them, they will be useless—worse, since now you have to deal with excessive rubber. If I asked you right now to make a PBJ with ice cream instead of the jelly, you would probably ask, “why?” And if I did not give you a reasonable answer that satisfied your inquisitive nature, you would probably ignore me and make a turkey sandwich instead. Novelty requires rationalization; without it, the plan won’t make any sense.

So, we got ourselves a whole stash of rubber bands, and we want to start a revolt. Why?

Maybe you are an office worker, and are fed up with mandatory meetings and urgent emails, to the point where you must revolt to preserve your sanity. Or maybe you are a college student, like me, who is done with following the whims and assignments of professor whose assignments barely correlate to their tests. Either way, you don’t have much of a budget to purchase fancy weaponry, and instead must resort to accessible supplies—such as rubber bands.

Or maybe the rubber bands aren’t a budget weapon after all. Maybe they are a symbol of your defiance, an image that will be forever burned within the memory of your oppressors. Perhaps the “snap” of the rubber bands represents the snap of opposition as you finally lead your people to freedom, and the “rub”-ber material is a message that your patience has finally rubbed then. If any of the rubber bands break (which they always do), you can explain how you are at last breaking free from your oppressor’s tyranny.

Be aware that this has to be something your audience, and not just you agree with. I could tell you that PBI’s grant supernatural powers to write articles relating to foot fungus, and while this may be a diet-altering discovery for me, it probably wouldn’t stop you from gobbling up that turkey sandwich. Pick something that your followers will resonate with, and stick with it. This will ensure your followers are truly dedicated.

Know Thy Weapon

Yay!! You finally justified your ridiculous proposal to perform a revolt with rubber bands. But how are you going to carry out the revolt in the first place?

Well, first of all, you must understand your weapon of choice.

Rubber bands are a very versatile item. They can organize cables, improve pencil grips, hold your page in a book, and keep sliced apples from browning. This versatility applies to revolutions as well.

The simplest and most straightforward way to weaponize a rubber band would be to shoot it with your fingers. This involves wrapping it about your pinky, around your thumb, and about your pointer finger, like this:

This method is quick, inexpensive, and simple, but it limits itself in reload time and velocity. A more effective way would be to use a rubber band gun. These come in different forms, from handguns bearing 1-2 bands to high-velocity rifles bearing 10+ bands (such as the image above).

If you wanted to get creative, you could also try rubber band balls. Yes, yes, I know, this takes a lot of rubber bands and is a big use of resources, but it can be effective, especially in hallways. Rubber band balls are hard, and their resilience would allow for multiple hits upon your foes, as well as intense chaos and confusion over where the ball would land next. Just make sure not to let the enemy take possession of your ball, or you may be in for an unpleasant turn of events…

Establishing a Legacy

Your enemies fought, but they could not resist.

Surrounded by followers dedicated to your rubber cause, and armed with weaponry no mortal being thought possible, you vanquished your oppressors, and now stand in the wake of a new age.

This is not a matter to be taken lightly. If you are not careful, your society—or workspace, or class, or whatever it is that you revolted and overthrew—may very well revert to whatever it was before your rubber bands entered their elastic action. Sure, you could establish yourself as a self-proclaimed leader, but eventually, your authority will be taken—either by another angry youth with way too many rubber bands, or by the inevitable end of life.

Which is why you must do everything in your power to ensure your subjects are devoted to your cause.

Create an anthem to celebrate your victory and get it stuck in your audience’s heads forever. Create a flag of a stylized rubber band to represent your revolution. Create new units for measurement—one unit representing a rubber band at standard length, a larger one representing a band at full length. You will notice this measurement will vary depending on the band, but that’s okay. Once you put it on a ruler, it will become standard quite fast.

Remind your subjects why you fought. Remember that cause I had you make at the beginning of this article? It is just as important here, if not more so. Your followers must remember why the revolution is fought and why your new order matters, so that your new society can continue to develop toward your cause. This will ensure that your civilization lasts—and that your rubber band rebellion was not in vain.

The Customer Q&A Section

Woohooooo!! You have successfully made it through my long, pedantic spiel on rubber band warfare! As a reward (as as a tradition to end any foot fungus article), I will answer customer questions in the ever-notorious Customer Q&A!

This is a long article—1.5k thus far!—so I will keep these questions nice and condensed.

Ahem, right. Condensed.

Question: you mentioned that rubber bands can effectively start a revolution—but can they cure foot fungus? —a random guy who forgot shoes to a rubber band riot

Answer: Directly? No. Rubber bands don’t contain any medical properties to cure foot fungus. If anything, they would transfer the fungus, thus making your fungal condition worse.

Technically, if you put a bunch of rubber bands on your feet, you could make socks out of them, but that could cause moisture to collect unabsorbed by the sock, not to mention the potential restriction of circulation.

I suppose you could shoot doctors until they give you antifungals, though, personally, I would suggest buying them legally. Fungus cream isn’t too expensive, and besides, it’s always easier to follow the path of least resistance.

Question: are rubber band revolutions weather-dependent? For example, could I lead my RBR in the rain? Or would the rubber bands dissolve? —Rainforest Revolutionary

Answer: First of all, your idea is brilliant. Natural rubber comes from tropical plants, especially the Amazonian rubber tree, which is found primarily in the rainforests in the Amazon region of South America. Such a habitat would allow the manufacturing of rubber bands, undisclosed by market transactions or records, not to mention the pleasant company of macaws.

But would the rubber bands thrive in such an environment? That is a harder question to answer. According to bouncerubberbands, natural rubber, while more elastic, resilient, and malleable than synthetic bands, are also suspect to the environment, including intense heat and light.

“So what?” you might exclaim. “It’s not like I’m bringing my rubber bands to the desert!”¹

Here’s the thing: rainforests are, on average, 70-90°F and humid, both during the summer and the winter. The rubber bands would have to be stored in cool, dark locations for them to maintain their elasticity—especially when creating an arsenal large enough for everyone.

The humidity and rain will have a few effects on the rubber bands.

Short-term, the bands will become softer and stretchier. While this can sound like a good thing, excessive stretching in such environments can easily pull the rubber bands beyond their normal shape, making them loose and unwieldy in dry environments.

Long-term is more of a concern. Water, especially that of humidity, can act as a catalyst for oxidation, causing the rubber bands to degrade, go brittle, and develop cracks. Moreover, moisture and humidity provide ideal environments for mold and mildew to attack to the rubber bands, damaging the rubber and causing the bands to look gross—not ideal for a rebellion. (dxrubberbands)

¹ Although the pleasant company of roadrunners would be nice

Some Final Words

Wow! You read through all my work! From rubber bands to warfare to anything-but-condensed chicken soup to annoyed doctors to rainforests, you diligently followed my every whim, and to that I say: thank you! It takes a lot of effort to invest in a piece of work, even professional ones, and makes me happy to see fellow readers investing their time into my newsletter.

As always, make sure to keep your feet clean, sanitized, and protected in a sock or shoe when in dangerous environments. Shower daily, so as to avoid fungus on other parts of your body—though make sure to wear slides if using a communal shower. Be careful with any rebellions you start, and make sure your rubber bands are properly maintained and fired.

Finally, go make a PBJ with ice cream. After all that hard work, you deserve it.

—Josiah Hamster