Welcome back, readers! It is time for another issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated!

Today, we will be discussing a topic that I have mentioned multiple times in the past. However, unlike these times in the past, where I have covered the topic very lightly, leaving gaping holes in your feeble knowledge of this topic, I will instead be covering the topic in much more detail. Be prepared! As always, at the end, we will be answering questions from our loyal customers in the Customer Q&A sections!¹ It is my upmost desire that you are able to enjoy today’s issue on the supertoe, a fungal infection that enhances your toes to shoot lasers!!!

Welcome to Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated.

[[ theme song of the day: The Supertoe Theme — listen to it while you read this article ]]

¹ Questions may or may not be from real customers, depending on if readers submit questions or not

Symptoms of the Supertoe

The supertoe may appear completely normal at first, but it is not by any means. The supertoe is actually a mutated strand of Trichophyton rubrum, the fungus that typically causes athlete’s foot. Like athlete’s foot, it can cause itching, burning, and blistering. Unlike athlete’s foot, it also alters the DNA in your foot in a way that enables you to shoot lasers! Symptoms might include:

• slight glowing and pulsing of the toes

• Growth of toe size

• Inability to cure the fungus with typical antifungal medications and treatments

• Interference with nearby technology, especially technology located near the ground, such as Roomba vacuum sweepers

• Addiction to laser shooting

• Pride, joy, and satisfaction with the supertoe!

The Pros and Cons of the Supertoe

The supertoe has many benefits, one such being the ability to blast your foes with a huge laser! It’s a nice reminder to other people that obeying you would be in their best interest. However, there is more to the supertoe than just a weapon. The supertoe would also allow for:

• Accessible flashlight, as long as you keep the strength low. It would also be good for blinding people

• Cutting through debris or easily carving a path through the woods

• Entertainment, such as seeing if you could hit trees or telephone lines¹

• Easily impressing your friends

It also has some disadvantages, however. These include:

• Standard athlete’s foot problems—the supertoe is a mutation of athlete’s foot, and has similar discomforts

• Accidental fires—if you’re not careful, you could easily ruin your house

• Less body energy—firing lasers takes up physical energy, and frequent laser shooting will cause you to grow tired

• Governmental regulation—in some countries, the supertoe is carefully moderated, meaning you would have to keep your infection secret

While the supertoe is pretty great, it still has its downsides. It is up to you as to whether it is worth it.

¹ Just don’t get caught

Treating the Supertoe

While many people would never dream of getting rid of the supertoe, others may wish to get rid of it. Maybe you are embarrassed about it, or maybe the itchiness isn’t worth the laser beams. The supertoe can be treated, albeit not as easily as its origin fungus, athlete’s foot. For instance, antibiotic cream doesn’t work well with the supertoe, nor do oral medications. Here are some ways you can treat the supertoe:

• Specialized medications—certain medications do exist to get rid of the supertoe, though they are hard to come by and can be quite expensive

• Laser removal—while antibiotic cream and medications don’t work for the supertoe, laser treatment is still an option

• Shooting the supertoe with the supertoe—if you shoot your toes into each other, the laser abilities will become disrupted and go away, turning your condition into standard athlete’s foot

Here are some more extreme ways if the above do not work:

• Time travel—if you time travel to a time where you did not have the supertoe, you can live in that time and not worry about the supertoe. You could also change time and prevent you from doing whatever it is that got you the supertoe

• Parallel universes—go into an alternate reality where the supertoe does not exist

The first three options are slightly more practical, but if you happen to own a time machine or portal to an alternate universe, you might have more success with the last two options. If you do happen to have a time machine or portal to another universe and don’t know what to do with it, email me at [email protected]! I have a plethora of ideas just waiting to be unleashed!

The Customer Q&A Section

The Q&A is back, folks, and is freshly loaded with two new questions from our amazing fungus-devoted customers! Let’s get this thing started with a question from the one and only Caitlyn Gibbons!!!

Question: In relation to FFF Issue #8, where do you find your percentages? Also, why don’t they add up to 100%? -a concerned math nerd

Answer: Uhhhhhhh…

Sometimes I regret saying I will answer any questions my subscribers send in…

Wait a second!

Nevermind, I’ll answer.

For those of you who don’t know, the percentages are in the first section “What is a New Year’s Resolution?”. It reads, “What do 23% of people quit in the first week, only 36% of people commit to past a month, and only 9% of people successfully complete? New Year’s resolutions, of course!” I got my statistics from this website:

The “23% and 36%” refer to a percentage of people who started a New Year’s resolution—23% of people quit in the first week, and only 36% committed past the first month (you could also say 64% of people quit in the first month—I should have done that, it sounds cooler). These statistics say that 87% of people quit in the first month. Here’s the tricky part: the 9% is how many people successfully carried through with their resolution. Adding these steps together will not even account for those who quit after the first month. These statistics are not parts of a whole, but rather different statistics that are not made to be added up.

Here’s a cute squirrel to cheer you up:

Question: How might foot fungus change the flavor of your foot? And how do you know? -Audrey Faletic

I initially attempted to answer this question through online research, but quickly found that method to be rather unhelpful. I then tried Bing Chat, but it was apparently a harmful prompt that could do harm to society. Ugh. After trying multiple different AI modules, I finally landed on this answer from pi.ai:

After prodding it:

So instead, I decided to answer it from my experience. I personally haven’t tasted foot fungus, but I have tasted mushrooms, which are a kind of fungus! Under that logic, foot fungus would taste just like yummy, scrumptious mushrooms! Imagine having an entire year’s worth of mushroom-licking growing on your very own feet!!! You could lick, lick, lick all day!!! What is more, you could bite your toenails without having to suffer the (rather disgusting) taste of dirty foot. I, as a very reputable newsletter writer, would highly recommend tasting foot fungus!

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! The supertoe is quite an intriguing subject; I hope you are able to share in my enthusiasm. Join us next week, especially if you are a fan of horses!

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster