Welcome back, folks, to FOOOOOOOT FUUUUUUUUUNGUS FAAAAAACTS INCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPORATED!!! Today, we will be discussing how to talk about foot fungus without the typical awkwardness that typically comes from typical talking about typical foot fungus. “Mr. Hamster,” you may be wondering, “how on the typical Earth do I typically talk about my typical foot fungus without it typically being awkward?” I would answer, except then you typically wouldn’t have a reason to read the rest of my newsletter. Sorry!

We’ll also be doing a fully loaded Q&A today, so don’t forget to check it out! We also have a good theme song (hint hint).

Let’s get started!

[[ Theme song: The Blues of Foot Fungus! ]]

Talking About Foot Fungus (without it being awkward)

There are three easy ways to talk about foot fungus without awkwardness: act confident, use code words, and end the conversation on a high note!

Act Confident

According to psychologytoday.com, confidence “can be hugely beneficial, allowing someone to gain other people’s support and respect”. When you are talking about foot fungus, it is important to ensure that the person continues to respect you during the conversation. If they don’t, the conversation can become awkward…or worse. There are two ways to convey confidence: physically and verbally.

To physically convey confidence, you strike what is known as a power pose. These are essentially poses that open up your limbs, taking up as much room as possible. If you can do the splits, this is a perfect opportunity to use your skills to your advantage!

To verbally convey confidence, use assertive tones and lower your tone. The lower the tone, the more confident the person seems. In addition, the louder and faster you talk, the more confident people see you as. Just don’t get too fast, or else the conversation will become much more awkward than it was before you read this article…

Use Code Words

Sometimes, actually saying the word “foot fungus” causes people to freak out. For this audience, I would recommend using code words for your foot fungus, such as “toe cheese”, “foot blanket” or “the garden”. Also try and avoid itching your feet, as it prevents the audience from imagining that they are actually talking about a garden. If you have to itch it, make up an excuse. For instance, you could say that your feet are trying to tell you something, and then do a quick itch while you are “listening” to the feet.

End the Conversation on a High Note

When people walk away from a conversation, they usually remember the conversation most by the way it ended. Thus, you likely wouldn’t want to end the conversation on foot fungus, a 3/10 on the awkwardness scale¹ . Try and bring the conversation to a higher note by changing the subject or putting the focus on them rather than you. Think of it as the final episode of a tv series, and try and make it as memorable as possible.

¹ 1 is realizing halfway through the conversation that you aren’t wearing any clothes; 10 is the weather²

² Keep in mind that this is for the average person. For some people, the weather can be quite awkward to talk about. We will not judge them

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back, folks, to my favorite part of the FFF newsletter: The Customer Q&A!!! Here, our customers send in questions to [email protected], and I answer them! Let’s get started!

Question: What is the best and worst time of the year to get foot fungus? -anonymous (this is actually a real person who didn’t want their name discovered on a newsletter about foot fungus)

Answer: Definitely the winter! For one, people really like staying indoors during winter. For this reason, people with foot fungus would leave spores all over the house. Stepping in someone’s footprint will allow the spores to go onto your feet…and those footprints would be EVERYWHERE.

In addition, to keep their feet warm, people often wear socks inside the house. Socks often cause sweat, and are very warm and dark. This is a big hazard for foot fungus, including all three aspects of a good fungus home.

If you’re talking more specific times of the year, then I would say “vacation time”. Vacations not only often include pools, huge hazards for foot fungus, but would also require airport security, which involves walking barefoot where hundreds of other people have stepped. Quite scary for a writer of a newsletter about foot fungus…

Question: If Thanos was controlled by foot fungus and ran a food truck, what bizarre culinary creations would he serve to a planet full of ducks? -Wy Wy

Answer: That’s quite the question there, Wy Wy! I’m gonna break the question down into two parts.

1. What kind of food would Thanos serve if he ran a food truck?

In Avengers: Endgame, there is a scene towards the beginning where Thanos is seen cooking soup shortly before being attacked by the Avengers. Here is a picture:

As you can see, Thanos is enjoying an incredibly delicious soup. If Thanos ran a food truck, this is probably what he’d serve. Since ducks like algae, frogs, worms, and grains, he would probably mix those in with the soup. He might even make different flavored soups for different duck types! However, we are forgetting something important…

2. If Thanos was controlled by foot fungus and ran a food truck, what kind of bizarre culinary creations would he serve to a planet full of ducks?

Obviously, foot fungus would have quite different tastes than Thanos. Foot fungus eats keratin, a protein found in the skin, hair, and nails. Meaning fungus-controlled Thanos would probably fill his soup with skin flakes, nail clippings, and hair. Talk about a bizarre culinary creation!

This was a fun question, so I am going to conclude it with a picture of a planet full of ducks:

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading this issue! This issue was more of a return to the kind of topics I wrote towards the beginning of the newsletter, as I was beginning to feel like my topics were not related enough to foot fungus. I want to give a thanks to all of you who have submitted questions to the Q&A! Not only are they entertaining issue content, but they are also great motivators to continue my newsletter, as well as very fun to answer. I hope you all enjoyed today’s issue of FFF Inc! Long live the feet!

—Josiah Hamster