Greetings, readers! For months, I have been writing issues, some good, some bad, some scientific, some comical. What all of these issues have in common, however, is that they ALL were written about foot fungus! As of this issue, I have written 20 issues of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated, and, frankly, I am quite proud of my work! To celebrate this eventful day, I have created a very special issue to commemorate this milestone: 20 Tissues of Foot Fungus¹ !

Let’s get this started!!!

[[ Theme song: Watch this 18-second video on HamsterTube to get a special reward! And yes, I made it so that anyone with the link could view it ]]

¹ Yeah, I know. There is an extra “T” at the beginning of the word, “issues” that completely changes the meaning. I was too lazy to fix it. Though honestly, issues and tissues really aren’t that different, are they?

State of the Foot Fungus

FFF has grown a lot since I started the newsletter! Here are the current statistics:

This statistic is pretty impressive! About thirty of them are people I know and have referred to the newsletter. The last ten are thanks to a guy at my school who started signing up completely oblivious friends to my newsletter! This has produced some interesting emails.

Most of the people he signed up for don’t check their emails, unfortunately, and most that do have unsubscribed. I want to clarify right now that I had no part in this unconsented subscription ploy! I just hope beehiiv knows that.

So, about every other person opens my emails. I feel pretty good about that! It has dropped 20%, but I think that’s because of the ten new subscribers, not because my issues have dropped in quality or interest. At least, that’s what I hope!

I’m actually not completely sure what this statistic means. I think it’s the rate of people who have clicked on a hyperlink. Needless to say, this has significantly dropped since the last four weeks. That’s okay, though. My hyperlinks are only sometimes useful.

The text on this picture is small, so I will be your screen reader! The top post is my most recent one, Fungus in Space. Strangely, that one only has a 3% CTR. That’s probably expected for the theme song, 10 hours of rumbling spaceships.

For some reason, all my hyperlinks have been marked suspicious by my web protection extension. It’s probably something to do with the way it tracks your clicks for statistical purposes. So if any of you are experiencing the same issue, it’s not because I’m linking suspicious sites. It’s a beehiiv thing.

The Paint 3D Gallery

As you are well familiar with by now, I am a brilliant artist in Paint 3D! To commemorate my artistic skills, I have compiled here every single Paint 3D image so far. Yes, every single one. It’s great!

The hardest part of this picture was finding the right text font size. It is surprisingly hard to find a font size that looks appealing and still fits in the bubble. I’m not sure what I think of the tv protester’s facial expression.

I was really satisfied with camera man’s expression. I just wish the toast looked more realistic.

CRINGE (verb)

1. to recoil in distaste

2. to shrink in fear or servility

3. to behave in an excessively humble or servile way

4. to draw in or contract one's muscles involuntarily (as from cold or pain)

Part I of my DOGS FROM SATURN art series. I like how Saturn turned out. I should have made the background a tad more spacey. The lack of other planets is misleading, and could teach children bad stuff. I should be put in jail.

Part 2 of my DOGS FROM SATURN art series. Totally scientifically accurate. 10/10

Trigonometry! My dog looks awful, but it doesn’t matter when it’s math. I pride myself in the ability to do math and be creative at the same time. That pride doesn’t come across here.

This one I actually took an online picture and added a stick man in front of it. I can’t remember if it was AI generated or not. Probably was, considering the resolution. The stick man is a tad hard to see because of the black trash bag. I really like the banana.

This image could barely be called Paint-created, since it is just an AI image with some gray text on the billboard. The AI didn’t want to write text on the billboard—it preferred words like ∂¬☓¦µ—so I had to insert the text myself.

This one’s good, except I should have put an extra 298 question marks above the guy’s head.

This picture was back in the early days, where I used Microsoft Paint instead of Paint 3D. (shudder)

Probably one of my most colorful drawings. The guy’s head should be a different color. Other than that, it’s perfect.

This picture is a totally realistic depiction of yellow nail syndrome. Thank Jackson Wiese for the brilliant inspiration!

The Customer Q&A Section

Let’s get started with some customer Q&As! We have two fresh questions, one from Bing Image Creator and one from Claire Voigtschild! When writing this section, I couldn’t decide who’s question to answer first, so I wrote a python program to decide for me:

Clearly, we must start with Bing Image Creator!

Question: In FFF #18, you mentioned you that a camera can get lens fungus. If this happens could I get foot fungus in my EYE?!? -Bing Image Creator

Answer: YES, YOU CAN!!!! But then it’s not called lens fungus. It’s called an eye infection.

According to clevelandclinic.org, eye infections typically begin with eye discomfort, redness, and itchiness. Blurry vision, extensive tearing, and eye pain are signs of an infected eye. Extremer cases, like the one above, can lead to vision loss.

Infected eyeballs sound really bad and all, but they have some benefits. For instance, if you want to glare at someone, you can use your red and swollen eyeball to improve the effect. If you are in a crowd, all you have to do is shout, “HEY GUYS, I THINK I HAVE PINK EYE!!!”, and you will have clear passage through the mass of people. You will also get a lot of sympathy from people, as well as an excuse for crying.

All in all, eye fungus doesn’t sound too bad! There are much worse things that can happen to you, such as having hair growing out of your eyeball.

Question: After reading your comment about the eclipse helping you have enough time for this issue, it got me thinking, how do you have enough time for this? As a fellow homeschooler, I don’t recall ever having excess time. How do you do it? How long does it usually take to plan, research, and finally write these amazing articles? -Claire Voigtschild

Answer: Depending on the topic, it can take a really, really long time, or just an hour or two. It really depends on how much research is needed. For instance, in FFF #18 (the birthday issue), the only research I did was on toe wrestling and face painting. That issue went by a whole lot faster than FFF #19 (the space issue), where I had to crawl the deep recesses of the web for any information on my topic. The new GPT-powered Deep Search on Microsoft Edge helped speed up the process, but it still took FOREVER to find any information. I spent an entire day of work just jotting down information about fungus on spaceships!

This issue has been a lot easier than most issues, mainly because I don’t have to do any research. As of writing, I think I have worked perhaps two hours on this issue. I have considered switching the issue frequency, though I’m not sure what I’d switch it to. Maybe every other week? As it is, I’ve just been writing when I have the time to. Once summer kicks around, I’ll decide whether or not I want to change the frequency.

It is very helpful to be homeschooled. Homeschooled, I don’t have to ride school buses. The average ride takes 21 minutes—sucking up nearly an hour every day¹ . I also don’t have to experience polluted bus air, knocked over fire hydrants, or overexposure to the color yellow.

¹ A week ago, I got to witness a school bus hitting a fire hydrant and knocking it over. The bus, still crammed with kids, had to stay at the scene as police cars and firetrucks came. Another bus had to come and pick up the kids. It took a while.

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue! I am proud to have released 20 issues all about foot fungus. Have a great day, and don’t go getting foot fungus in your eyes!

Long live the feet!

—Josiah Hamster