As of this morning¹ , I have officially experienced the birthday of my cousin, Emerson. If I were to guess her age, I would predict seven or eight, but I have been told by multiple friends and allies that my skills at guessing ages are quite subpar.

The birthday was acceptable. It consisted primarily of:

1. Ice cream cake (the best part of the party)

2. Emerson opening presents (the only one I remember was a plastic dog)

3. Miscellaneous decorations, including emojis, Buc-ee’s party hats² , and pink balloons

The details of that birthday are not important. What is important is that it gave me an idea. What if I wanted my birthday to be foot fungus themed? This thought churned within my head like a soft-serve ice cream machine until, at last, I deemed I could bear it no longer. I had to write a Foot Fungus Incorporated issue about it. And, who knows, in less than a year, these tips may turn out to be reality!

Without further ado, let’s get started with this issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated.

[[ Theme song: 10 hours of sniffing, YT link (what else are you going to do at a birthday party?) ]]

¹ This morning being the morning of March 30th, 2024

² To make things even more strange, there was also a Buc-ee’s Band-Aid. I refuse to give any more information

What is a Birthday?

A birthday is an annual celebration of a person’s existence. It often involves three aspects:

1. People
   You can’t have a fun celebration without people! Common people invited include friends, friends, and more friends. Common people who show up despite invites are old grandmas, stray cats, and, of course, Mom and Dad.

2. A Cake
   This is a piece of bread covered in icing. If the birthday has a theme, this theme is often reflected in the cake. Foreshadowing? Perhaps.

3. Presents
   This is the best part of a birthday! At a birthday, to show how much they value your existence, those at the party give you stuff. Good presents include new gaming consoles, books, and, of course, money. Bad presents include clothes, excrements from the stray cat, and a pronged choke collar.

A Fungal Birthday: Decorations

Decorations are a crucial part of what demonstrates a birthday’s theme! Unfortunately for Emerson, Buc-ee’s and emojis don’t quite flow together to create a coherent theme. Fortunately for me, I have the hindsight¹ to know that that was a bad idea, and the ability to correct my life’s path in order to make my birthday superior.

Some decorations to use could be green and brown streamers hanging down from the ceiling to look like algae and mold. If you are able to, soak the streamers in water, so they will drip on the guests. Make them low, so that one of the guests will inevitably bump it and get wet. Huge inflatable feet would also be a good addition. Some parties have party hats. See if you can find hats that could fit on people’s feet.

¹ Why do does always have amazing vision? Hindsight is always 20/20!²

² You may have not understood the last question. What you probably didn’t know was that, according to merriam-webster, hind is a noun referring to a female red deer

A Fungal Birthday: Food

In FFF #12, we learned that foot fungus feeds on keratin, a protein found in the skin, hair, and nails. Thus, at your birthday, you could serve your guests “Fungus Samples” to get a taste of what their foot fungus eats! For guests with sensitive stomachs, you could also serve pizza with mushrooms on it. This has fungus in it, as well as actually tastes good¹.

¹ Though again…what if skin, hair, and nails actually does taste good? I’m a little scared to find out…

A Fungal Birthday: Games

Games are crucial parts of parties. If there weren’t games, what would your guests do when they are bored??? Sit around and watch TV?!?

To prevent such a horrible catastrophe, here are some games you could play at the birthday party:

1. Pin the Fungus on the Toe
   This is a simple variant of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. A big picture of a toe is put on the wall (a real toe works too). People try and tape on a mushroom sticker (or real mushroom) on the toe. Whoever’s fungus is in the best place for infection wins!

2. Toe Wrestling
   Despite not being super well known, toe wrestling is actually an official sport. Create a toe wrestling tournament with your friends. People with foot fungus are automatically eliminated. When you are done, watch the World Toe Wrestling Championships 2019 with your friends. A little but of caution, however. Toe wrestling may not seem that intense, but, according to rove.me, toe wrestlers “often suffer from bruises and even broken toes during World Toe Wrestling Championships". Be careful, and don’t let anyone get too competitive.

3. Foot Painting
   At fairs and whatnot, it is customary to paint your face to look weird. Why not paint your feet as well? You could make your feet like robot feet, troll feet, or even claws!!! This would be best done in a smaller group, as a large group would take an extraordinarily long time to paint¹ .

¹ According to facepainters.com, while simple kids designs can take only 2-5 minutes, full face paints can take several hours…not feasible for a group of 5+ guests. Or even 1+ guests. Now that I think of it, foot painting might not be the best game to have at a birthday party…

The Customer Q&A Section

Now is the time where I, Josiah Hamster, attempt to make customers happy by answering their questions!!! Like always, all questions come through [email protected]. We happen to have a fully loaded Q&A today, with two new questions!! Let’s get started.

Question: After reading your very inspirational FFF article this week, I came to a terrifying revelation. You mentioned that telescopes can, indeed, get foot fungus and even called it lens fungus. If that’s the case…. Can my camera’s lens get infected by foot fungus too??? What would the camera view look like with fungus? How might it impact a professional photographer if they are shooting for an event? —Olivia Morgan

Answer: Lens fungus infects camera lens about as effectively as it does a telescope—possibly more so. The effects on a camera are very similar to those of a telescope: hazy/blurry images, reduced sharpness and contrast, black/white specks on the camera vision, extra lens flare, and a yellowing of the lens coating. The main difference is the situations in which the lens get infected by the fungus.

For telescopes, dangerous conditions were leaving the telescope out for longs periods in a humid environment. The conditions for camera lens fungus is different. While a humid environment makes the risk of fungus much higher, the main danger is dust. Dust often contains fungus, and allows it to grow inside of the camera lens. Dirt is also a big risk to the safety of the lens—for the sake of the image sharpness as well as the risk of fungus.

To prevent the fungus, keep the lens covered when not in use. Clean the lens regularly, and make sure and keep it away from dust and dirt. Interestingly enough, frequent use of the camera prevents fungus by keeping the lenses dry and well-ventilated¹ .

Question: Can people get foot fungus from reading your newsletter? CAUSE I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!! —an angry reader

Answer: This question distinctly reminds me of FFF #5, where Izzy Bates inquired if you can get foot fungus by reading about it repeatedly. In my answer, I replied that, while it might not increase the chances of common hosts, such as athlete’s foot, it sure would increase the chance of the supertoe! However, I see that your case is much more sensitive, as you have actually contracted the fungus!

With the customer’s consent, I will share a picture of the fungus:

I must say, that is a quite nasty foot fungus infection! I do not believe it came from the reading of this newsletter. This is a newsletter that, except, perhaps, for FFF #9, works for the prevention and elimination of foot fungus. Getting foot fungus from reading a newsletter about it is like turning invisible because you read The Hobbit! I can, however, understand the suspicion.

I want to leave you with this message: you are not alone. We are here to support you. I am and will continue to send out weekly issues about foot fungus. Amazon.com is and will continue to sell foot fungus products as long as the fungus continues to be an issue. Fear not, your foot and mind shall recover! For more emotional support for your foot fungus, see FFF #3.

¹ source: stablecamera.com/lens-fungus

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue of Foot Fungus Facts Incorporated! Birthdays are a special thing, and must be planned well. I hope that you now have a plethora of new ideas for your birthday. I want to thank you all for your patience with these issues. As you have probably noticed, my issues have not been coming in regularly. I will try and keep up the weekly releases as time allows, but both writer’s block and time constraints have proven this to be a challenge. Darn writer’s block. Maybe it will be easier during the summer. Anyway.

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster