Have you ever gotten one of those cheap, plastic telescopes from Dollar General? If not, you’re really missing out!

No, not really. If they exist, they belong in the trash heap. Telescopes average at about $500 dollars…not an item that would be sellable at a store renowned for it’s cheap, affordable, and absolutely terrible products. Which means that it would be completely awful for them to get fungus in them.

Wait, fungus and telescopes?!?

Yes, fungus and telescopes! In honor of the upcoming total eclipse, I have written a special issue today about telescopes. And fungus. It is my wish that this issue will enliven your aspirations to view the eclipse, as well as put you into a fungal mood!

[[ Theme song: stars.mp3, a Josiah Hamster original ]]

What is a Telescope?

A telescope is a device used to view objects far away, particularly stuff in the sky (they zoom in waaaaaay too close for anything on planet Earth). Think of it as binoculars, except with only one binocular. And way, way, WAY more powerful. And expensive. Very, very expensive.

While some cheap telescopes cost about $200 dollars, a good, solid telescope costs, according to americaneclipseusa, “anywhere from $300 right up to $20,000 USD”! There are many different telescope types, including single-element refractors, reflectors, dobsonians, Ritchey-Chretiens, and more. Unfortunately, I don’t know what any of those mean, except that Ritchey-Chretien telescopes are very expensive.

Horrible Hamster advice: use your telescope to get a better view of the eclipse! Don’t use a solar filter.

Inspiration via Gmail.com

You may be wondering why I decided to write this issue. Is Mr. Hamster a “star dude”? Does he have a secret telescope hidden in the dark recesses of his ominous closet? Has he been an astronomer this whole time, and we never knew?!? The answer to all three questions is, Yes! Yes! YES!!! BWAHAHAAHA!!!

Actually, no. The issue was actually suggested by a customer via the [email protected] inbox. In the email, the customer had, to their own wretched horror, discovered that fungus can infest telescopes, disrupting their clear, pristine view of the cosmos! In a dreadful state of fear and trepidation, the customer contacted me, imploring, nay, pleading me to find a way by which they might view the solar system without, in the customer’s own words, “stinky spores stopping me”!! With altruism to match even the most courageous of writers, I took upon myself the mantle to solve this riddle and bring justice to the universe¹ !

¹ Email may or may not have reflected the drama I myself have put into its recitation

The Enemy

It all starts with hot temperatures. It always does.

When a telescope is left in a hot climate, it is quite common for fungus spores to make their way onto the telescope, planting itself on the optical lens of the telescope, similar to the way they make their home on your feet. This fungus is called Telescopes Fungus, or Lens Fungus. This makes it harder to see through the telescope, and causes noticeable darkening and loss of contrast as the fungus continues to grow. However, this is not all that the fungus is capable of.

As they digest food, they create a chemical known as hydrofluoric acid, which will destroy lens coatings and permanently etch into the glass. A user named RichA on cloudynights.com warns, “Fungus can literally eat into the glass surface, it produces acids that dissolve the glass so the minerals in it can be consumed by the fungus. Once that happens, it's permanent, barring repolishing”. Telescope fungus is not only annoying. It is deadly.

Defense Strategy

Telescope fungus is a deadly organism, second only to foot fungus. To prevent your telescope from becoming a living home for creatures of nightmares, follow these steps:

1. Avoid tempting the fungus. This includes leaving the telescope in a humid spot for 3+ days, denying airflow to the telescope, leaving the telescope in a dark place, or leaving “nutrients” on the telescope, such as lint, grease, dust, dirt, etc.

2. Dry instruments after use. Do not cover them with plastic drape coverings when in a humid environment, as these retain high amounts of moisture.

If you fail to follow Mr. Hamster’s advice and get fungus on your telescope, remove it ASAP with the following instructions:

1. There is a cool substance called optical fungicide that can be applied to get rid of the fungus. It is similar to homicide, but instead of killing a person, it kills fungus.

2. Be patient. Fungicide takes a long time to do its work—about an hour!

3. End by drying the equipment and cleaning it using normal procedure.

The question is: what if, while you are using an infected telescope, the fungus gets in your eyes?

The Customer Q&A Section

Now, for the time you have all most certainly been waiting for: the Customer Q&A Section!! Here, we answer questions submitted by our customers! We also answer questions not submitted by our users, which are helpfully put in italics to show that a real person did not submit the question.

Who wants to get started? I sure do!

Question: What should I expect from the upcoming eclipse? Is there anything foot fungus related that I should worry about? -Anonymous

Answer: For those of you who don’t know, Monday, April 8, 2024, there will be a total solar eclipse. For those of you who live in Indiana, a categorization which includes exactly 100% of my subscribers, the eclipse will happen sometime between 3:10 and 3:15 EDT. Here is a nice chart showing the eclipse times:

During this time, the moon will come directly in front of the sun, creating a ring of light around the moon. Everyone will get hyped up, they’ll use their cool-looking glasses to look at the sun, you’ll probably hear a few shrieks of enjoyment. Then, the eclipse will end, and it will all be over. You will experience something like this:

As for if there is anything foot fungus related that you should be worried about: yes, there is. There is a lot you have to worry about. Check out this picture:

Worse, once the total eclipse happens, it will look like a toe with foot fungus!

And, of course, while viewing the eclipse, you can still get foot fungus. Just because you’re enjoying yourself doesn’t mean you shouldn’t forget your safety procedures!

Question: In FFF #15, you mentioned a flying dog from Saturn coming to Earth. What would happen if the dog went in between the Earth and the sun? Would it create an eclipse? Would it create a huge dog shadow across the United States?!? What would happen? -Anony-mouse

Answer: The issue is, the dog is much smaller than the moon. Here is a pretty good size comparison:

As you can see, the dog is not nearly big enough to create a solar eclipse. At least, not from the distance the moon is. However, if the dog was closer to the Earth, we might be able to use the dog to block out the sun, technically creating an eclipse.

According to starlust.org, the sun has an angular size of about .53 degrees. Assuming this dog is a labrador retriever, the average dog has a shoulder height of 54-57 centimeters. That averages to 55.5 centimeters. For simplicity’s sake, let’s assume the dog is facing the Earth, so we can use this measurement as a diameter. Here’s a graph:

We can now use trigonometry to find the distance! (who knew trigonometry could actually be useful?!?) Since tan(Ø)=y/x:

tan(.53­°) = 55.5/d

d * tan(.53°) = 55.5

d = 55.5 / tan(.53°)

Which is equal to:

~ 6000 centimeters

This is equal to 60 meters, or 196.85 feet. So, to “eclipse” the sun with a flying dog, the dog would have to be floating exactly 196.85 feet away from you directly in line with the sun, staring down at you. Unfortunately, the dog would only be blocking the light for you around you—you could still see the sun hitting the ground.

As for if the dog would cast a shadow:

When an object is close to a surface, it casts a defined shadow.

However, as it gets further from the surface it is casting the shadow on, the shadow blurs and becomes less distinct. Light from around it seeps in, and the shadow looks less impressive.

The shadow would be very blurry and scattered, and while there would be an area where it would be more shady, it is unlikely that the shadow would be identifiable as a dog.

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading today’s issue, and thank you, customer, for submitting this issue idea! This has actually been a really satisfying issue—I haven’t had that “satisfying motivation” on an issue for a while, hence the lack of quality. I hope you were able to enjoy this issue as much as I have!

If you happen to have any ideas for future issues, feel free to submit them at [email protected]! Questions, as always, are quite welcome!

Thank you for reading, and may your feet ever smell like cherries!

Long live the feet!

—Josiah Hamster