S—tinky!

O—range!

C—hunky!

K—aput??!?

You got that right! It is time, yet again, for me, Josiah Hamster, to bring vivid, heart-warming, nose-tingling images of foot fungus into the brains of my customers!! This issue is part of a series called SVE, which stands for socks, Vacuums, Etc. Today is Part 2: THE sock.

[[ Theme song: another special song, for yet another special reward! ]]

What is a sock?

A sock is a thing you put on your feet to keep your feet warm. To be more specific, it is two things: a left sock and a right sock. socks can get wet, making your feet colder. socks can get holes, making them uncomfortable. socks can also give you foot fungus. Needless to say, socks are not a good idea¹ .

¹ If you have any disagreements, feel free to email me

Alternatives to socks

Taking socks out of your life may be a very hard thing to do. You may rely on socks for warmth, for shoe comfort, or for enhancing your elephant-like appearance. Here are some easy fixes:

1. sockless Shoes

This is an easy solution for those of you who need socks with your shoes, say, if you have tennis shoes. Try wearing sandals or crocs or other shoes that do not require socks. If all else fails, you can always build callouses by walking barefoot.

2. Blankets

This is a solution to those of you who wear socks for warmth. A blanket is way thicker, and provides much more warmth than a sock. This is a much safer alternative to socks. Unfortunately, the blanket doesn’t follow your feet everywhere, so you will have to carry it with you—a slight nuisance.

3. Don’t be an Elephant

Elephants may me cool in elephant world, but we don’t need people walking down the streets looking like elephants¹ . Trust me. Besides, you don’t want socks close to your face. They have a lot of germs…

¹ You can also fix this by going to elephant world, where elephant-ness is very cool

How do socks Relate to Foot Fungus?

socks provide heat, moisture (buildup of sweat), and darkness—all three key attributes to the growth of FOOT FUNGUS. However, they aren’t entirely bad. According to peoplespharmacy.com, soaking old cotton socks in vinegar and wearing them for 10-15 minutes can help alleviate foot fungus¹ . The article has ten comments, one of which is about using the method on stomach fungus.

To remove foot fungus from socks, follow the following washing instructions:

1. Throw the sock away

¹ It’s not worth it

The Customer Q&A Section

Welcome back to the CQ&A! Today, we have two new questions from two real live people: Caitlyn Gibbons¹ and Jackson Wiese. Let’s get started!

Question: Do you spend days, weeks, months, or years of your day writing this newsletter? And I meant everything I said. -Caitlyn

Answer: That entirely depends on the season, what I ate for breakfast, and what mood I am in! Here are some example situations:

Season: Winter

Breakfast: A cold, frozen banana

Mood: Lonely

The snow outside the window makes me feel lethargic and tired. Time seems to go by very slowly. The frozen banana in my stomach churns, and I can feel the cold within and outside my body. It feels like it has been ages since I last saw a human face…though I saw my brother just this morning. In this situation, I spend a few years writing my newsletter a day.

Season: Summer

Breakfast: TONS OF PANCAKES

Mood: Happy

The summer outside makes me feel a pang of remorse that winter is already gone, adding a few months. However, the pancakes warming my insides and my happy mood take off a few months as well. In this case, it takes a few days. That is, unless I eat too many pancakes² ….

Season: Chinese

Breakfast: Chinese

Mood: Chinese

Time flies fast when you’re in China! In this setting, I spend approximately one second on foot fungus a day.

I hope that answers your question!

Question: If a dog licks someone’s foot that has foot fungus, can it spread to the dog? Presuming the dog is from Saturn and is not immune to foot fungus. -Jackson Wiese

Answer: So…um…there’s one issue with your question. Saturn is a gas planet. The dog would have nothing to stand on on Saturn. And no, Saturn’s rings wouldn’t work—they are not solid, and are made up of a bunch of rock and ice chunks. Meaning the dog would have to fly.

That actually sounded really cool, so I drew a picture of it in Paint:

This brings an interesting predicament. If the dog flies, it would be really hard for it to get foot fungus, since its paws don’t touch anything! So, for it to be from Saturn and be vulnerable to foot fungus is kind of an oxymoron. Though I suppose it could still get foot fungus if it were foolish enough to go to Earth and land on a contaminated surface.

That is not the question, however, for our doggo here is not stepping on anything contaminated. Instead, it is licking it.

The first thing that would happen is that the dog would experience a very distinct taste—see the Customer Q&A of FFF #9. Second, the dog would begin digesting foot fungus. I did some research into eating mold and fungus, and it is actually pretty safe to consume, provided you have a strong immune system—the worst part is just the initial taste. The only problem would be if the dog was allergic to foot fungus, in which case, our canine friend would experience strong discomfort and irritation in the throat, nose, and eyes.

So, no, unless there is something about flying dogs from Saturn that I don’t know about. Oh, forgot to mention one thing: it’s impossible to survive on Saturn. The pressure would immediately crush anyone who ventured into it. Plus, the air is not breathable—it’s made up of 75% hydrogen and 25% helium. I have very little faith in the survival of your Saturn dog.

¹ Or, as my brother Sammy likes to call her, Caitlyn Gee-BONES

² Click here to see what would happen if I ate too many pancakes

Some Final Words

Thank you for reading my issue!!! This concludes the SVE issue series. Join us next week, where we will further discuss foot fungus, as well as give the results for the special song!

Thank you for reading, and have a great day!

—Josiah Hamster